I know what my next job is going to be...

Due to a very late night at the office on Wednesday, I was allowed to leave to start my weekend early today, at 1pm. Now, I decided that I would be as productive as possible, so I went directly to the gym and got a few errands done.

While at the gym, I noticed one of the televisions had a commercial for "SlimQuick" that I didn't find particularly strange, but I had never seen before as it is obviously targeted towards those who watch soap operas during the day. I paid little mind at first, because I was so enthralled by listening to Britney while rocking out on the elliptical.

Upon returning home, I saw to my delight that Family Feud was on (I miss so many fantastic things working a 9-5!), so I eagerly settled in to watch what I have been deprived of for so long. After the initial shock of Mr. Peterman as the host (when did this happen?) I began to pay attention the advertisements of this show as well. The SlimQuick commercial came on again, and I watched it more closely this time, as I've always been a sucker for cartoons.

The commercial is pretty straightforward, showing an overweight woman cartoon next to an overweight man cartoon. The woman laments, "My husband and I are trying to lose weight by cutting out snacks. I only went down one size [woman shrinks slightly] and he's gone down 6! [man shrinks to a portion of his former size, pants drop]."

Now, I would like to say now that I have no problem with this portion of the commercial. I'm not a huge fan of dietary supplements, but the commercial is right -- men often do lose weight much more easily than women. No, my problem is in the rarely read small print at the end of the commercial. Which reads (and yes, I paused and rewound this out of shock):

Dramatization. Results may vary. Cartoons lose weight easily. Individuals require regular exercise and a reduced-calorie diet to lose weight.

Um. Wait. What? "Cartoons LOSE WEIGHT EASILY???" Is this for real? Did these writers feel it absolutely necessary to explain this, or are they just trying to subtly mess with people? And if it's the latter -- where do I sign up??

My mom is hilarious

An email correspondence between myself and my mother (two disenfranchised college football fans):

Me:
PS. Two more things: I can't stand Florida and I've learned to crochet. These two things are in no way related.

Mi Madre:
Ahh but they are- prison inmates( florida G football alumn) learn crocheting to pass the time-

Classic. I just hope that the sarcasm apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Adventures in flying and why the Steelers conquer all

So, this post is a bit late, but well worth noting the week the Steelers will embark on the quest for the Superbowl (Here we go!).

This story begins in the Greatest Airport of All Time, Pittsburgh International. It was a late December afternoon (I said this post was late!) and I was heading back to NYC after a relaxing week in my home town. As a side note here, it is not possible for me to travel without at least one, but most times several, weird things happening. What has two thumbs and has slept on a bench in the Montreal airport, gotten trapped on a train in England, and has never in the history of flying abroad arrived with luggage in tow? This guy. But I digress.

It all began when my plane was delayed because of electrical problems. Fine. You know what, I don't want to fly on a broken airplane, so take all the time in the world for this one. Apparently its bad enough that we need to commandeer the next plane. Again, fine, unless that plane happens to have hit a bird midflight (does this not happen often?) and needs to be fully inspected. This I don't understand, unless the plane has hit a pterodactyl, but again I am patient, as I have nowhere to be.

Now, if these things aren't odd enough, I look over at the steward announcing the delays and spot my college roommate Emily, who just happens to be on the same flight! Great, someone to talk to, delay away. Once we finally got on the plane (2 hours later), I notice a large, familiar looking man sitting down only three seats away from me. "Wait," I thought to myself, "it can't be, I'm sitting in coach on a tiny prop plane!" But yes, three seats away from me on my tiny prop plane in coach was The Bus, the great Jerome Bettis. This day can't get any weirder.

Until we are about 40 miles outside of New York, when the pilot announces that the plane is "too heavy to land" (what??) and we have to fly around aimlessly until we burn off fuel. At this point, I've given up on ever getting home and have resigned myself to remaining 3 seats away from one of the greatest Steelers of all time for the rest of my life.

Yet, obviously, we did finally land and Bettis caught me staring at him in the baggage claim. He winked and smiled, and despite playing it cool on the outside I was as giddy as a 5 year old girl.

So what did I learn from this experience? Mostly that the Steelers are the greatest team in the league because even one of their greatest players ever will rock coach from time to time. No wonder we got rid of Plaxico. Oh, and that the 9 hour train ride to NY is probably more equivelent to the one hour plane ride than originally thought.

Bollywood, here I come!

Usually when I walk onto the elevator to leave work at the end of the day, I am stuffed into a corner amongst many other busy New Yorkers who just can't wait to get out of the office. So, imagine my surprise when there was only one other person on the elevator. That is, until, this particular elevator dweller decided to share his thoughts.

Out of the blue, he turned to me and said:
"You look exactly like this actress we have in India. Everything about you looks like her, her name is Charmy. I have even told my wife about you."

Now, even though, as noted by Hailey's friend Sari, "that conversation went from nice to creepy REALLY quickly," I'm trying to figure out if this guy was right. So I (ok, Tom) looked this actress up, and I'd like to get everyone's opinion. Should I move to India and start my acting career, or was this guy smoking a little too much hookah?

Here she is --- what do you guys think?

What I've been doing instead of writing...

I could blame my lack of writing this month to the usual seasonal pressures: shopping, parties, events, etc...but that wouldn't be fair. You see, even though all of these things have been occurring and have been taking up my time, I'd like to blame my lack of writing on my new singular obsession: Brit's new album, Circus. And since I've been listening to this album, oh, lets say 24/7 since my brother introduced it to my apartment, I thought I'd give you all the run down on which songs you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO DOWNLOAD as opposed to those rare Britney songs that won't go down on the list of Instant Crappy Music Classics.

Womanizer: Please. We've all heard it, we all love it, and it makes us think of Chuck Bass. I can't believe you didn't download this song months ago. Do it now. I'll wait.
Circus: In my humble opinion, the best song on this album. Makes me strut down the sidewalk as if Tyra and Ms. Jay were watching.
Out from Under: Two problems. Too slow and, sadly, too relatable. Sorry Brit Brit, I don't want to feel like we have similar life problems. I've watched your documentary. It's too scary to think about.
Kill the Lights: Even though the phrase "I kiiiiilled the lights" is maybe the most annoying in music history, Britney's minions refer to her as the Queen of Pop, so totally worth it.
Shattered Glass: I really like this one, although I shudder to think of Britney channelling Annie Lennox. You are a performer, Brit, Annie was a singer. Know your role and we'll be ok.
If You Seek Amy: Pure poppy (ie slutty) genius. A must-listen.
Unusual You: Again, Britney, stick with what you know. It's too slow and boring. Oh, this guy is so great, blah blah blah. Unless he makes you want to shave your head, move on, thanks.
Blur: This song makes me think of that one time (many years ago) that I did 4 Irish Car Bombs in 20 minutes and then made out with an indeterminable amount of people and then woke up, fully clothed, contacts on, in my bed, at 7am. And then I went to the Natural History Museum because I felt like I had done severe damage to my brain, and had probably forgotten math. Now, I'm younger than Britney but haven't done something like this in 3 years and probably never will again. It seems as though our girl does it all the time. Right on Brit -- THIS is how you live vicariously.
Mmm Papi: Let Christina stick to the Latin hits, sweetie. If you want to branch out, do country.
Mannequin: Haven't been able to get into this one, but my roommate likes it. I leave the opinions on this one to her.
Lace and Leather: Good old fashioned Britney. Very poppy, and adorably innocent while trying to be dirty. Bitch is dangerous.
My Baby: Oh, Britney. We know you love your kids, but don't sing about them. Not on the same album as songs about not remembering what you did the night before. If you really want to pay homage to your kids, make another song like If You Seek Amy. We all understand how biology works...we'll make the connection.
Radar: Britney describes, in detail, every guy who has lead her into her spiral of shame. And then she indicates that she is STILL LOOKING FOR THIS GUY. Um, +2 (shout out to the Daily Intel), because she totally would.
Rock Me In: Neutral. Not the best, but I wouldn't kick it out of bed (um, change it on itunes? What were we talking about?)
Phonography: This gets extra points because I guarantee Britney was like, "Pornography is dirty, so I bet the word Phonography is dirty too." Well, no honey, but close enough, we'll give it to you. Especially for the lines: "I need my blue tooth/buttons coming loose/I need my hands free." Because, brilliant.

It's an illusion Michael. Tricks are what whores do for money.

If you've ever ridden on any form of public transportation, especially in NYC, you learn very quickly to ignore those who try to "entertain" you. 99% of the time they are awful (mariachi band at 8:45am on a crowded train? no thank you), and panhandling in any form is against the law. The rare performer who captures your attention is a special event indeed.

At first, I didn't think that my subway ride would include such an event. Especially after Act 1, aka "The worst rappers on the face of the earth." The mumbled something about New York, but I couldn't tell you one other word that was uttered. The eye rolling and grumbling as they walked through the car spoke for themselves. We are tired, it's after work, please leave us alone.

Not more than 10 seconds after the rappers du jour left the number 5 train, a man walked through the automatic door and started banging on what sounded like a pot. Now, I was frustrated. I just had to listen to the inane rhyming of two very poor "musicians," and now I was going to have to suffer through some crazy man banging on aluminum? It was almost too much.

However, as I looked up, much to my amusement, our newest subway companion just happened to be a magician. Always fascinated by magic, I was compelled to watch this particular show. To everyone's surprise, after about 30 seconds this random man had his whole audience laughing and engaged. The crowd almost lost it when he made a thong appear out of thin air after dipping a closed container briefly near a young woman's skirt.

After a few tricks, I was ready to be embarrassed when this man placed and "empty" container in front of my face and asked me to tap it, as hard as I could, with a magic wand. What I WASN'T expecting, however, was for a live dove to instantaneously appear in front of my face, flapping its wings furiously, as soon as I tapped the container. Now, one of my biggest fears, ironically (?), is that a bird will some day peck my eyes out. Don't ask why...we're all afraid of something completely ridiculous. Unfortunately the (cute) guy sitting next to me didn't have time to prepare for my debilitating fear, as he immediately had a random stranger bury her face into his shoulder, for a full 30 seconds or more. Luckily (for me), he found this incredibly amusing.

So, as our magician friend was getting ready to leave, I pulled out a dollar and placed it in his cup. Hell, I'll pay someone for amusement. Or, at least, I'll pay someone to keep his trained dove at bay.

The interweb justifies my blog!

Every holiday season, I rely on Pandora to provide me my Christmas music fix at work (I go into heavy detox in January). Whilst listening to my "Jingle Bells Radio" station yesterday, I stumbled upon a new feature...the ability to use three sliders (labeled "BPM," "Funkmeter" and "Popularity") to tailor a radio station that perfectly reflects your tastes. "Well, I should try that," I thought, "just to see what happens!" I intently placed my sliders where I believed they belonged (where did I REALLY fall on the spectrum of "Hold the Funk" to "Funktastic?") and anxiously pressed the "Launch Station" button to determine my perfect mix of music...

What song would be chosen as the first among the best music for my taste? What artist or group had tailored their songs specifically to my liking?

Don't worry kids -- even the interweb knows that I like bad music. The first song? "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely," by the Backstreet Boys. Oh Pandora, you know me too well...