There are no boundaries!

Now, if I've learned anything from 2Birds1Blog (oh, and I have. I really have), it is that you should never bitch about your job on your blog. So, this will not be a blog post about how completely effed up it was that I had to clean the bathrooms at my place of business yesterday. It's not that it wasn't completely ridiculous and that I'm not completely livid (it was, I am), but I do know that the internet is not the place for these things. Big Brother and all that.

No, this is a post about what happened to me WHILE I was forced to clean the bathrooms yesterday, and how apparently men either have no idea how women's rooms work or have absolutely no boundaries.

There I was, in my business casual outfit and brand new shoes (but hey, that's how we women love to clean, amiright?), dragging a huge garbage can, broom and duster into the men's bathroom of a busy establishment. Holding to what I believe to be a normal sense of decency, every time I entered this room I placed a sign on the door that indicated the bathroom was closed for cleaning. I naively thought this would keep me safe.

To be fair, the gentleman in question DID ask if it was ok for him to come in. It is very possible that he didn't hear me say, "Sure, but GIVE ME A SECOND" so that I had the time to wash my hands (men's rooms, btw, are disgusting) and step out of the room. But even if he didn't hear me, it completely blows my mind that he would still walk over to the urinal and proceed to use it while I was two feet away. Maybe men are used to doing this next to (male) strangers, but rest assured that the women who are being forced to clean your disgusting mess are not! Now, I am not a prude, but being alone in a men's bathroom save for a strange man with unzipped pants is just not a comfortable situation! Not, not, not, not ok. I'm not blaming this dude for not knowing proper co-ed bathroom etiquette, but there just has to be a way to spread the word. Perhaps this begins with not forcing your office employees to clean the bathroom while they have their own g-d work to do, but I guess that is a discussion for another day.

In happier news, I made Michael Emerson laugh. My life is complete.

Volleyball team names

My dear friends~

My volleyball team has a bit of a problem. We are trying to think of a fun, original name, but are falling short (Bumpin' Uglies was taken, and Balls In Your Face is apparently "inappropriate"). I prefer to be more timely than dirty anyway, so my previous team name was "Block of Love" (guess who picked that one!) and the team that one the Most Original Name award last season was "How I Set Your Mother."

Based on these ideas, does anyone have any suggestions? I was trying to work in a little Brit Brit, but I just can't seem to make "If U Set Amy" make any sense...

xoxo,
Lauren

EXCITING BRITNEY INSPIRATION UPDATE: How does everyone feel about "If U Seek Aces?" Does that make sense to anyone but me?

At least they weren't wearing slips and frolicking in Central Park...

A conversation I heard this morning, briefly:

Three high school aged girls, dressed in pyjama's, about to cross the street on the Upper East Side at 7am.

Girl #1 (slightly hysterical): NO! I can't LIVE like this! I can't make it through the day without taking a shower!
Girl #2: Don't be stupid, Chelsea. You have to learn.
Girl #3: Besides, we'll ALL be gross. That's the POINT.

This was seconds after I saw two high school aged boys leave their school in pyjama's as well, commenting on how they had slept a total of 15 minutes the night before.

So my question is, WHAT? Can anyone explain this to me? Are UES schools teaching children that they have to learn how to survive on no sleep or showers, possibly due to the economic crisis? And, if so, why has this not yet been an episode of Gossip Girl??

Men are from Mars, women are screwed or "I like to think they died"

Most of us girls have dated (or at least been on a date with) your typical archetypal guys. The momma's boy, the douchebag (aka the Popped Collar guy), the one track mind guy: these are men who, while bountiful, are easily identifiable and mostly avoidable. But there are always the subtly obnoxious men whose signs are not as telltale. I would like to now share whatever small amount of wisdom I have on this subject, in hopes that my follies will serve as parables for others.

The "I'm not in a place" guy: Sorry ladies, but, as most of us know, this is code for "I'm not into you." I'm starting out with what I believe is an easy one, but unfortunately all too many women still buy into this line. I am a firm believer that there is no "time" or "place." If you like someone enough, you'll go for it. If you don't, well, you move on. Sure, it feels better to think that the "I'm not in a place" guy isn't out trolling for women the weekend after this speech, but we all know that this is not true. The only person who has ever changed the "I'm not in a place guy" is my friend Heather, but don't let this give you false hope that this can be achieved by mere mortals. Heather is just that good.
Warning signs: You met at a bar. On the Upper East side.

The "We want different things" guy: The funny thing about this guy is that he never actually asked you what you wanted. He assumed that you were desperately in love with him after the first date because he's just that amazing. He also thinks that "casually dating" means texting you every 2-6 weeks. He's closely related to "I'm not in a place" guy, but he's self-absorbed enough to blame it on you.
Warning signs: You only hear from him on weekends. After 4am.

The "I'll actively pursue you until you are actually interested" guy: This guy is, and always has been, all about the game. The more you pull away, the more persistent he becomes. He wants to prove that he can have anything he wants, but he doesn't actually want you. The second you give in, you'll never hear from him again. This guy might be the least annoying though, because you never really like him and he's pretty easy to get rid of by feigning interest.
Warning signs: He's overly eager. You have absolutely nothing in common and yet he still will not leave you alone.

The "Great first date/no call back" guy: By far the most frustrating. Oh, sure, when this issue was broached on Sex and the City when I was an ignorant college student I thought, "This doesn't happen. WHY would this happen?" And yet I now find myself a fan of the Miranda justification: "I like to think they died." This one is tough because it makes you reevaluate your entire value system -- DID we really have a good time? at what point did I mess this up? is my phone not working (but only from his number, because mom seems to be getting through quite often)? etc, etc, etc. I think the only way to feel better about this one is that you are not alone (unless I am the only person that this has actually happened to). Also, take solace in the fact that this guy is a d-bag.
Warning signs: The date goes TOO well. Sorry to be cynical, if something is too good to be true, it almost always is. Most good relationships do not begin smoothly -- they only endure after a war of attrition.

The "Crazy Vampire" guy: Maybe this isn't a generalization so much as a very specific case, but it's being added, because, well, that dude freaking bit me!
Warning signs: Within five minutes, he asks what kind of monster you would like to be. He also drinks paint thinner-esque Jack and Cokes like water and has a taste for human flesh. Which he indulges while you are soberly throwing him into a taxi cab.

Out of the ash I rise with my red hair And eat men like air

Ok, so Sylvia Plath is a little melodramatic...especially because I'm not even sure what it is to "eat men like air." But, hey, I have red hair now.

Thanks to the many suggestions of my friends (and the short-hair blessing of the bride), I chopped and dyed my hair last week. Dani's suggestion came the closest to what I eventually got, and despite everyone's persistence that angles were the in thing, my stylist assured me that they were soooo last season.

I've always loved before/after pictures, especially since the "before" picture is always the most unflattering photo imaginable. So here is my rendition:

Before







After







After (w/bangs)







I'm a big fan of the new 'do, and, more importantly, have realized that this is a perfect way to use my friends for fashion suggestions. So here is my next dilemma: I need to find a cute pair of gold shoes for an upcoming wedding. The problem is, when I type "Gold Shoes" into google, I mostly get images of shoes best suited with whips. Suggestions on cute, non-cheap looking gold shoes anyone? And with my bad ankles, do I have to wear pumps or are there classy, wedding-friendly wedges?

Triangle Man hates Person Man

Gigantic Nerd Points if you can tell me where the title of this post comes from -- without googling it.

Now, I normally avoid haircuts like the plague (cholera?) but the recent humidity coupled with the several months since my last cut have created a monster that looks approximately like this:

So, in short, I need a new haircut. And, because I am painfully out of touch with current hair trends, I need someone to tell me what is stylish/appropriate. If you have any great ideas or just want to see what a crazy hairstyle looks like on a real person (what the hell---I'm adventurous) PLEASE let me know!

Some issues to keep in mind:

*My hair is thick, long and wavy. Hense the humidity/triangle look.
*I play sports and my friends have this lovely habit of asking me to be in their weddings, so I can't go too short.

*I like bangs, but I haven't had them since circa 1992:

And I'm not sure if anything in that photo bears repeating.

So please send along any thoughts and ideas -- If I pick one, I'll post it with a picture of my new 'do. The winner will receive a lifetime supply of my love and admiration.